Not too bad....

*** could be a dull sappy post you have been warned ***

Weekend was good. Friday I drove home and the sky opened up as I rounded the bend to home. Crazy how hard it rained but within 30 minutes the sun was out. As soon as I got home Mrs. March said that she had to leave..she needed to get to the bookstore? That was odd.

The little marches and I played and Mrs arrived home with a 6 pack of Newcastle Brown Ale and some Chinese Food. Ohhh yeah..we dined and it was great.

The kids were jonzing to help me open my b'day presents (waiting a full day kills older march). They dove in and I am not even sure I opened a single thing but they had fun. Got the new
Miles Davis cd box set (well this was from the mother in law). A
book I have wanted for a pretty long time. The BBC Version of The Office on DVD, an outdoor clock for the patio and some shirts. Wrapped it all up with some cake! Good times indeed.

Saturday it was very hot so we laid low for a bit. The little ones splashed in our inflatable pool, I hung up my clock and sat on the patio. For the first time in what felt like weeks I had NOTHING I needed or even wanted to do. I ended up returning some bottles and cans but that was it. We ate lunch and then went to a pond the town over from us. It was a the best time. Water was clear and warm and the kids had a great time. Little March and I put on masks and "dove for cool rocks" for what seemed like hours. It was great. We swam to the dock and little march was a little creeped out by all the fish kinda "hanging out" but she got over it quick by a battery of cannon balls off the front of the dock. Littlest March and i dug holes and splashed on the water edge too. Dinner and icecream later it was one heck of a good weekend.

Sunday we again hung out then hit the
children's Museum in Providence. Its not huge, but we killed at least 2hrs there. Good times indeed. Arrived back home, played in the pool some, and then cleaned up to get ready for the week. We spent a little time in the playroom working on a great
GeoTrax train set up. We have most of it all connected and the Marches love to sit and watch the trains loop around.

Ended the weekend with a slice of cake and a little bit of Shark Week.

Kick ass weekend.

Year One - A milestone.

As noted my blog will be a year old Saturday. When I first starting doing a blog I thought oh I'll review music all the time and what have you. I think I cover a fair amount of music related stuff so my goal was not totally lost. I think Forgotten Disc Friday filled a void as well and would not bog down the overall awesome content of this very blog.

So after a year a few things

- I still can't spell or write a good sentence. I just can't.
- I need more focus for good articles.
- I need to be less lazy, submit a complete entry ONCE and have more links.
- I love doing it.
- I love reading the blogs I have linked (as well as others that are not linked)

I already did a wish list for it so I won't go there again.

Some short facts about this very blog.
According to my site hit count meter I have over 15,000 hits.
My google adsense - a paltry 44.00
Cluster Maps - Africa doesn't seem to like random musings.
Total posts - 338 (this one is 339)

So thanks to each of you that I have linked off to the side for making blogging fun, stopping over now and again to point out the obvious flaws in my character, pointing out my spelling and punctuation lapses and what have you in the comments.

Thanks for reading....
Thanks for letting me in to your world(s) which go from "I wish I was there" to "Holy cow you are messed up"
Thanks for stopping over....
Thanks for humoring me....

mAHHHch * said w/boston accent

Bound, by one desire.

A new Forgotten Disc Friday segment is up. Thank you as always for clicking over.

A Silver Mt Zion - The Middle East 7/26/2006

**bloggger is/was being a little buggy so this may get edited further**

Last night I headed to Cambridge to catch Montreal bandA Silver Mt Zion. The band, which is made up of some members of the currently idle godspeed you black emperor!

Efrim Menuck formed the band originally to learn how to score music, but has abandoned this since. Seven members took the stage about 10:15pm. This was a sight to be seen since the stage at the Middle East Nightclub is not the biggest. It seemed to work out "okay" as the band set up in a V format so that the 2 violinists faced each other and it was right down a row.

The band annouced from the stage that this was their 87th show ever, their 2nd in the USA and the 1st night of their first ever US Tour.

The band is known for long song titles as well as long songs. This proved to be taxing on the young indie hipsters.

During the show the constant talking was enough to make your toes curl up. Why do people go to shows and talk? Why? I am not saying a simple "What was that song" or "Wow that was a pretty cool solo" but full on conversations. As mentioned, the band has a freaking string section. When a single violin is used to start a song that is your cue to shut yer freaking yap. Even fans of godspeed know that the songs do that whole "quiet->loud" thing so shut it.

I'd say the venue was a tad over 1/2 full at the start, but by the end it was down into the 180's (down from say 375ish?) People were walking out. It was odd. I think it was "boring" to a lot of people. People don't have the patience to let a song "grow". There was a few times when there were 3 or 4 of the members of the band singing harmonies. It was very pretty but folks didn't want us to hear it.

Shouted from the audience at random (at least between songs) was "Hey man..we are all just fish in the sea". A little later this same jackass decided that during a quiet moment to belch. Belch he did, so much so I'd say 1/2 the venue spun around. Ahhh fueled by Pabst.

KP once said to me that nobody makes rock shows an event any more. Its all a front to go out and be seen. Its lame and embarrassing. Since I tape shows I am particularly tuned in to the asshattery that goes on around me.

The band played for a little over 90 minutes, and it was mellow, a little too mellow for a "bar" show but all in all it was great. For the first night of a tour they had no technical issues and at one point there was 7 of them signing at one point and you could hear each one of them and they were all in key.

A decent night could have been better. The crowd brought it way down.

As the blog ages..

I was looking at the "archives" on this very blog and realized that Saturday will be its 1st Birthday. Although the blog crawls pretty well, it is not toilet trained and it has a horrible drooling problem.

Like any birthday there should be a wish list. So here is my blogs wish list (you can shop on line for most items)


1. That the spell check on blogspot recognizes blog, blogger, blogging. What the HELL is that crap that it doesn't even recognize its own damn name.

2. While I am at it, give the me ability to 'add' words. Trust me, the horrible speller that I am I still think that "strategerey" is word (1 or 2 of you will get that joke)

3. The ability to upload pictures ALL the time. Not just when it feels like it.

4. Giving daily readers of the blog the ability to post comments but not have to enter hieroglyphics in order to enter their witty comments. After typing your response to one of my epic posts do you really need to put in qjyikm and then hit submit? New comments until I deem you worthy enter the code, otherwise give me your best stuff.

5. Product samples. I talk about movies and music. You think any of these massive companies have sent me crap to review? Nope. I'm wwwwwwwwwwwwwaiting.

6. All blogs need a fancy car. This blog likes red cars that go really fast and get crappy gas mileage.

7. I like the next blog option on those not so busy days. I found at least 2 of my current links in doing this but I had to filter through pages of religious nuts, porn, spam, porn, all to find something I can read at work. Let me be able to toggle "porn" on/off.

8. Comments. 25 to 50 per subject per day. We are talking Fresh Air Lover meets Emetic Sage comments in sheer volume.

9. 10,000 hits a day with 9,998 of them not being me. I want cluster maps to look like the final scenes of War Games.

10. An overall "format" button of the blog. No sentences that cut off
here
and then continue on to this line for no reason.

Blogger (damn it spell check) we love you for your free service. This is only Random Musings wish list.

Come back for cake and icecream in a few days.

What if...

You are never supposed to say "What if" but sometimes you have to. Meaning "What if I paid more attention in school" stuff like that is where I am going.

Last night I watched a documentary by Jean-Michel Cousteau (which I guess is part 1 of 4). In this particular one the crew was going to Kure (note this is not the Cousteau crew). It is an island to the northwest of the main Hawaiian islands (over 1100 miles for that matter).

The crew was going to various atolls on the way, taking 5 weeks to do so. They'd do over 300 dives and capture some amazing images. One of the more famous of the islands is Midway. The crew would stop at various places and get out to explore.

On one dive, a diver was close to 60 feet down and the water temperature was 78.

On a few of the islands the only inhabitants (barring wildlife) was one or 2 marine biologists or volunteers. One guy said that he is on an island for 3 months at a time, then back to the mainland for a month, then back out. The beauty of the island would make anyone ready to board a plane I tell you.

One island also, due to its location, had almost a whirlpool like effect for the whole Pacific Ocean. What I am getting at is fishing nets and other "trash" would accumulate underwater in the area. Volunteers would get pulled behind small boats and dive down to cut loose old netting. It was then piled on the beach. The images of this beautiful area were suddenly overtaken with "trash". They said at one point they had 800 TONS of old netting.

Now the whole "what if" part. I have always loved the ocean. I wanted to be a marine biologist for a lot of years. The thing that held me back was my complete and utter lack of math skills. I failed freshman (highschool) algebra THREE TIMES. I was told that to be a Marine Biologist I'd need strong math skills. So, while watching I said (a few times) what if I "got math" and followed that path. Mind you I'd not change most of my life (Mrs March the kids first and foremost) but still..one has to say "what if" now and then to never "settle" on your path and cause you to get up and face new challenges, or achieve a new dream.

In the news...

The Cleveland City Council is considering a law that would require Ice Cream Vendors to pass background checks. With the access they have to kids its considered a very good idea.

A Seattle high school wind instrument ensemble was banned from playing an instrumental version of "Ave Maria" on the grounds it was too religious. The students picked the song for its beauty not religious message. A saxophonist at the school was the first to complain.

Samsung will launch cell phone with a breathalizer attached. The LP4100 will be used to thwart off "drunk dialing" (and maybe getting behind the wheel??)

According to the LA Times among the 100 new terms that are making their first appearance in the new edition of Merriam-Webster's collegiate Dictionary are "unibrow", "biodisel", "bird flu", "bling", "drama queen" and "mouse potato", slang for someone who spends a lot of time on the computer.

Everyday the Transportation Security administration confiscates some 30,000 lighters at airport checkpoints. - Time

Kate Moss, busted on camera snorting cocaine lost a few gigs. You'd figure her 7 Mil a year salary would be hurt? Think again, she is on track to make 18 Million this year alone due to new contracts with Calvin Klein, Virgin Mobile and others. - New York Post

The Crips, Bloods and other notorious street gangs that once could only be found in major cities now operate in some 2,500 other smaller towns. They used the world wide web to show off their exploits - A.P.

Americans will spend 22 Billion on Luxury bathrooms this year - about 10 times what the federal government will spend on AIDS research. - Washington Post

Two More..

Sage tried like hell to draw Fresh Air Lover..but felt he "lost it, and couldn't do it correctly" I told him to try again but he all but begged me..soooo


clicky click


since I had to scan something I decided to do Dim as well...

clicky click


Up next...JennyG, Rusty and Hotwire!

In the right light, study becomes insight

A new Forgotten Disc Friday segment is up. Thank you as always for clicking over.

Hmmmm *** updated now w/images!!***

Some of you may or may not read The Sage which I have linked.

Have you seen this post?

Yep he decided to draw me.

Its now time for you to pass judgment.

March - horribly deformed with flaring nostrils.... and its no surprise he was not a hit w/the ladies in highschool or....

Sage - flat out F- in the art department.
**Sage..I know Hotwire Reality and you sir are no Hotwire Reality.**

Sadly its a little of both..

But..in the words of the great Bugs Bunny "You do realize this means WAR!"

***************EDITS********

Okay here are my images.

This is the sage as he wants to be seen (click for bigger image and sorry its light..it took me 3hrs to shade his upper lip.



and what its REALLY like: (again clicky to make bigger)

Random stuff.

Last night was my pick up hockey night. I left the house and lightning was flashing in the distance. It was time, it has been hot here like everywhere else and you always get those big storms. So I was driving and I like to have the windows down, moonroof open, whenever I can. The weather goes south so fast I hate to be sealed up in A/C (plus I was going to skate anyhow). During the ride I decided I wanted to listen to Explosions in the Sky. It was a perfect fit. Country roads, warm breeze, lightning flashing almost in queue with the music. Also, I had a great game..we don't keep score but I had 3 goals and 2 assists.

Need to hear some cool new music? NME is currently streaming the new Tapes and Tapes cd.

I heard and ad on the radio for some new breakfast sandwich at Dunkin Donuts. They had to make sure they told the listeners that this sandwich is made with 100% real American Cheese. Now I am all for "truth in advertising" but when you need to assure me that something is real we already have an issue.

Is a "Deluxe Edition" of
Road House really needed? Ummm hell yeah. DALTON!!!

Catchin up..

Well I am back.

First..thanks to everyone on the right of my blog for giving me one more reason to delay getting work done. I had a few days to catch up on!

Friday the Marches and I went to Lake Compounce in CT for the day. We arrived about 10 minutes after it opened and left 10 minutes before it closed. It was a long day but man it was a blast. The look of joy on little march when she and I rode "WILDCAT" (a big/adult) rollercoaster was one of the best. Littlest March loved the bumper cars and we had a fun. Barring the great memories my fave moment of the day...Deep Fried Oreos. Shut your pie hole they ruled. When else can you ever eat like this (well I do it most days but man it was great). We stayed near the park that night and the marches were excited the hotel had a pool. We stayed at a Holiday Inn Express and I waited all day to do something "wild" and then used the line "Well I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night" but it never materialized.

Monday Mrs March and I took littlest March to Boston for an appointment. He did great, we rode the train and had some time to kill before getting the train back home. We rode The Swan Boats which, even after 35 years of living in MA I had never done. It was warm, but littlest March liked watching the ducks bob up and down. He had a blast riding the Subway, escalator, elevators. He is world traveler..too bad his little legs got tired and I had to give him a shoulder ride for about 1.5 miles of walking. Whew.

On the train ride home littlest march tired from his day fell asleep on my shoulder. Any parent will tell you this is one of the best greatest things ever. Its better when you are on a couch or big comfy chair, but now that he is older and it doesn't happen so often you don't balk at the chance. The ride was pretty uneventful until the girl behind us (i never saw her only heard her) threw up about 6 times. All I heard was retching then the splashes. I couldn't offer help or anything since little march was in dreamworld. The girl was saying she was sorry to people around us (hell who "means to throw up") and thank the lord there was no odor. That would have been horrid.

I lost my effing cell phone on the train that morning but it was "found" so that saved me some worry and an expense that I didn't want to deal with. I just need to check the cell bill when it arrives and see how many calls were placed to Thailand.

She don't care no more...she gets paid on Friday.

A new Forgotten Disc Friday segment is up. Thank you as always for clicking over.

Also this will be my only post until early next week due to a day trip and family obligation. Have a nice weekend.

-march

Two short things....

Rockband Weezer is yet another band that will go on a long hiatus. If you heard the last record you are saying "its probably a good idea". I like Weezer, I do, but this may prove to be a very VERY wise move.

Office fans, the first two "webisodes" are up now. Check em out here

Finally. Happy Birthday to by Older Brothers Younger Brother who is my Older Brother
B

Wondering about the Wonder Years..

I recall reading on a blog a year or so ago now the persons rage in the Wonder Years not being available on dvd. I had never thought about it until I realized the sheer # of songs/music used in the show. Since everyone needs to get paid its being held up. A little bit of an update is here if you care to check it out.

Lets have a quick flash back.

The other day I was thinking about my not a list of resolutions as those get broken so I'll come up with some other lame thing to call it.

Anyhow I wanted to see how I was doing...uh oh. here is the list in a nutshell of what I wanted/hoped to do in 2006.


1) Go skiing at least one time this year. - okay here is to hoping to snow between Nov and Dec 2006!

2) Play at LEAST 2 rounds of golf. Not 9 holes either. - well summer/fall is not over......

3) Portion Control. - nope..long gone, but nice to "remind myself"

4) Eating Leftovers. - see above.

5) Brown bagging lunch.- see 3 and 4.

damn it..time to make a change.

6) Kayak at least two times. - see the golf post.

7) Drink 64oz of water a day. - not too bad..i'd say out of the 5 day work week 3 of them I do 64 easy

8) Hike Purgatory Chasm and Blue Hill w/my six (well by then 7) year old. - Purgatory DONE. For those of you out of New England Blue Hill is just a "hill" south of boston that is a very very easy day hike.

9) Read a book a month. (no not magazines!) - i am on about a 45 day cycle which is better than I ever have been.

Total grade so far D+ at best.

Lets review come december shall we?

Office news

This keeps getting better.
BBC Cast to be on a US Version show. It gets better daily I tell you.

A weekend getway..

This past weekend Mrs March and I attended the wedding of a very good friend of hers from elementary school. Mrs March moved to the east coast 14 years ago now yet has been able to keep a strong relationship with her friend KT for all these years. A few years back KT moved to Providence to start anew..and of course this now involves getting married!

I am fortunate to have my parents close by and they agreed months ago to watch the 2 little marches so that we could attend the wedding down in Connecticut. Saturday little march walked in to our bedroom about 8am, dressed and pulling her rolling suitcase "Is it time to go to Grammys?" Not yet no..its a little too early. Littlest March, still in PJs saw his sister and ran to get his bag. "We need to eat and hang out for a bit" is what I told them.

Around 11am we arrived at my parents. 2 of the little March cousins were there as well so it was going to be fun for a few hours for them all. Grampy was in the garden and had all sorts of little jobs for the kids to do. I left a little bit after that to run some quick final errands (pack up a cooler and what have you).

Mrs March worked for 1/2 day so she arrived home and we wrapped up packing and we headed to CT. The ride was uneventful which is always a plus. We arrived at the church early and just decided to go in. We ended up landing some primo seats to the event.

The wedding was very nice and both AD and KT were beaming. It was very very nice.

The reception was a few miles away in a library. Yes..a library.

We arrived there and were somehow the first people to get there. We walked around some as the jazz ensemble finished setting up and the catering group prepared the final touches. It was a very cool library. High ceilings in the main hall, a larger room that had a piano in it and just some really cool decor. Mingling amongst Nancy Drew books and the latest issues of Martha Stewart living and Popular Mechanics was a trip.

The wedding was an older affair, meaning the bride and groom were both 30 somethings and there were 3 children there, 2 were children of the groom. It was a "cocktail" party for sure. It was so very classy and just very nice. Ever been to a wedding that was just nice all around and not pretentious? This was one for me.

The "bar" opened and it was full service. Normally I am a beer drinker, I just am, but when I see the other stuff I feel I need to order something. Mrs March wanted a vodka tonic so I got in to line. I wish I knew how to order other things or what I might like, but I ended up with a vodka cranberry. We found an area to stand in with another 2 couples from Mrs Marches younger years. Actually I think one of them was a friend of the brides from college, but they fit right in. The husband (Fred) and I bonded over booze, food, Super Audio Cds, Miles Davis and Hockey. Yes, we are dating now.

After a "few" drinks some food stations opened up. What happens next can only be described as amazing.

They had a mashed potato bar.

Read that again but erase any and all "redneck" image you have. It was classed up by serving them in martini glasses. There were three kinds, plain, wasabi and then sweet potato. At the end was about 6-8 "fixings" you could add. What a great idea and it was beyond..i mean BEYOND great. So much so I went at least 3 times (hey martini glasses don't hold that much). Later they ran out of glasses so Fred and I went one more time (okay 2 more) and brought plates from another serving station.

Later they were cutting the cake and we got in line to get a slice. As I got close they were cutting the slices so small. Almost too small. I found out why..it was cheesecake! Sweet damn this wedding rules. At the end of the table was a variety of fruits to add if you so desired. We took our cake and headed back to the area we had been in most of the night.

By this point the bar was still open, yet out of glasses. Okay..i can manage...I'll have a Sam Adams please.

The wedding was winding down so we gathered up our things and headed back to the hotel. The 2 other couples (both with kids as well) as well as Mrs March and I had delusions when we said "lets got back to the hotel, change and go to this bar....." That never materialized but you know...that was probably a pretty good thing.

Sunday morning we were invited over to the brides moms house for brunch so we got up, showered and headed over. It was beautiful country and we had a nice time sipping coffee and eating scones.

Our whirlwind weekend was coming to a close. We expressed our thanks to the hosts and wished K and A well wishes for a lifetime of happiness and headed out.

Good times..good time indeed.

I'll take the #8 please.

The other day Sage made the call to get Chinese food. We don't do it a lot but when we do we make a big deal about it, because we love food.

So Sage is all gassed up about "chicken fried rice". He is a hard read. I am not sure this stuff exists. He insists that is was "Fried Rice fried in chicken fat". That makes no sense to me. He then said

Well you have heard of Pork Fried Rice?

me - well yes of course

Sage - well that's fried with the fat of pork.

Not sure where Sage gets his food but the last I knew it was white rice colored w/soy sauce and "fried" with and egg etc.

All during this discussion I was looking at the menu..since lunch was 18+ hrs away I needed to decide.

Then I saw it...its on EVERY menu. Chop Suey. People must order it because its on EVERY Chinese menu. The thing is I know nobody that has eaten it or able to even describe, when in a pinch if I ask what is in it. (I know look it up...but you get my drift)

I run in to the same issue when someone says "I loved the Lord of the Rings trilogy" so in a pinch (again no web access) I always say "Which one was the first since I have seen none I want to run in order". 95% of the responses I get are "ummm ahhh I think its XXXXXX well look it up by year and you'll get the right info".

Back to Sage....

So I ask Have you tried it. (re: Chop Suey)

His response - have you never seen a picture of it in a Chinese restaurant menu?

me - nope.

Sage - ummm how about looking it up on line?

Chop Suey to me growing up was cooked hamburger mixed with spaghetti sauce and noodles. (that I did look up and there are about 100000 variations on it so why set up a link). Chinese have noodles but no spag sauce, or even hamburger last I checked.

So its time to try out this "world wide web" all these kids at work are talking about and get me some answers.

After I find out I may (or may not) become the only living American person who has eaten/purchased and liked/disliked it.

To sum things up..and I'll quote George Carlin "It is thinking of meaningless crap like this that kept me out of the really good schools".

The end of a short long week.

A new Forgotten Disc Friday segment is up. As promised something a little more mainstream this week. Thank you as always for clicking over.

Massholes keep it going strong...office rumors too.

For those of you out of Massachusetts there is an expression about Mass Drivers and the bulk of Mass people...called Massholes.

On the radio last night I heard the stats on the State Police Activity for the holiday weekend.

7,000 cars pulled over.
6,000 tickets given

39 drunk drivers arrested

3 cars were clocked going 117 MPH.

1 motorcycle was clocked at 144 Mph.

Welcome to Mass indeed.

Also if you are so inclined there are some rumors on the office season 3 going around..check out the rumors here but don't yell at me later.

That was a long weekend...*edit re:sunburn*

Had a grand old time the last few days. The worst part of it all was the freaking sunburn I got Sunday though. Oh man. When am I ever going to learn that me and my albino skin need some lotion? I can hardly raise my hands any higher than my shoulders, so my flapping my arms like a bird is out of the question today.

**a few people have emailed me or IM'd etc..and said "What about sunscreen". I forgot to mention I was alone w/the 2 kids. Try to get a 7 year old or a 4 year old to slather lotion on dads hairy back while water is 10 feet from them...good luck and let me know your secret.

We only saw fireworks in passing this weekend. Littlest March was not too sure on them, and by the time they are ready around us we are pushing 90 minutes post his bed time. We tried to watch a little of them on TV w/older March but she was wiped out. It was the Boston Pops Concert. Steven Tyler and Joe Perry of Aerosmith were the "special guests" for the national part of the broadcast. I am not gonna candy coat this, the 2 songs I saw them do were horrid. Its really time to pack it up guys. Awful.

We went to a lake a few miles from us and it was actually really pretty nice. Good to know you can find some clean water to swim in and have it be a scant over 10.00 for the whole family. It was a "trial run" but I think we will be back.

Mrs. March noted that it was interesting to see what people feel comfortable in. I am sure you all see it at a beach, town pool or whatever. People leaving little to the imagination and its NEVER the person(s) that should be doing so. I am not one to talk trust me but I do know that a banana hammock is not the way to go....ever.

One final thing I wanted to add...

I am sure you have all heard some car go by your home with the radio super loud. The bass "kicking" and what have you. Why, why why is it never a song I like?

Funny sad or gross story, you decide.

Another funny one (at least now) and it seems to be "time appropriate".

Read on..or check this out and have fireworks on your computer.
Do so here if you don't appreciate juvenile humor.

**also I apoliogize to those most that know me..what I look like etc for this horrid visual**

This was about 10 years ago now, I'd say 96/97 area now. Mrs March and I were recently wed and were invited to a friends house for a very casual BBQ on the 4th of July. It was just going to be four of us. Mrs March and i headed to our friends place and we had some food and a little to drink. We wanted to head over a town or two to catch the fireworks around 10pm.

We hopped in their car and headed over. Each year this town has a carnival on their town common. It was pretty crazy with the excitement as well as just the people who came later for the 10 pm fireworks. It was your typical summer night. Warm, the smells coming from all the vendors and what have you. We walked around and just took in the sights.

It was about 15 minutes before the fireworks so we walked around a bit to find a good place to see them. We walked and found a corner spot of grass. Right before we sat down out of nowhere my stomach starts to do cartwheels. I had been "fine" all day up until 20 seconds ago. I quiet right down and focus on myself.

Okay what the hell? Where did this come from. The freaking US Gymnastic team is in my belly twisting and flopping.

I pray it will pass...but its just there. I am at the "this is really not good" stage.

The conversation is going on,..and I try to let out the casual "laugh" on whatever we were talking about. There is no faking it..I need to crap...very badly...and right now.

I lean to Mrs March and kinda giggle as our friends could hear "I need to use a bathroom...i'll be right back".

I head towards the carnival. There HAS to be a portolet. Even the toilet from Trainspotting will do..i don't care. Amongst the masses I am like a lost child..where the hell is a portolet?? How can you have a carnival and nowhere to go? Where the hell do the carnie folk go? Sweet mother of god...I need to go!!! After what feels like hours I realize there is no place to be remotely civil about this. Walking and jarring my belly has not helped matters either.

I head to the far side of the town common..nothing. Mother F"EEEEEEEEEEER!! I am ready to burst...and if I don't get rid of this I was gonna have a HUGE mess and a lot of explaining to do.

I look and there are a series of side streets. I hate to do this to someone but man..this is what you'd call a grade A Emergency. Like a penguin I shuffle down the side street..careful to not let my butt get too relaxed. There are porch lights on and not a lot of coverage for me to hide in. The thing is, I know this won't take long...I just need 20 seconds..TOPS.

Sorry Mrs Smith, your front/side yard is gonna have to do. I try not to step on whatever this nice fine upstanding family has planted. I am beyond ready...there is no tactful way to say/do what happens next. I just make sure my feet and shorts/underwear are as out of the way as they can be.....and I just explode. I expel the contents of my bowels to the sound track of a merry-go-round. Its pure comedy..10 years later. I wait to see if there is a second wave...but there is not..and thank goodness because just then a porch light goes on. I am a fair distance away but still...was I caught? Were the police on their way? I am tucked behind some bushes and whomever comes out and heads towards the back. Wheeeew. I gotta get outta here.

But.... I need to clean myself.

I can't see leaves working, that is gonna be a disaster of the first order...so I make a Survivor like decision..and off come the socks.

I head back to the group..and if 10 minutes total had passed and hour did. Mrs March just looks...and I say "I had to find a tree not too close to the grounds...and i have to add..how can they not have a place for people to go?!

The fireworks go off and with each "boom" I silently chuckle...laughing at my bowels..i beat you..i am in charge. Sure you protest me but in the end i win!

We get in the car and head back to our friends place and "uh oh" guess who is pissed off there is no toilet around...yep...Mr Bitchy Bowel himself. The ride is long, slow, hot, bumpy..you name it. We finally arrive and we think that it will be a casual "See you later/thanks" in their driveway. I have to go...again. So I make some quick small talk and say "can I use your bathroom before we go?"

That session, as awful as it was, was at least "civil".

On the ride home I decide its time to share as Mrs March is wondering what my problem is. As I tell her of my scamper thru the town common and the subsequent "evacuation" all she can muster up, as tears are streaming down her face from laughter is "What did you use to wipe??" I raise my foot off the gas pedal, smile and just say "I need some socks for my birthday". I thought she was going to pass out from laughing.

So in closing, if you invite me to your 4th of July party..I promise not to evacuate my bowels on your forsithya bush.