Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Funny story #1 *aka my longest post ever

A lot of the blogs I read each day (and go to 2 or 3 times a day to see if there is new content) are on this kick of telling funny stories of youth. Annoyed even started a fantastic second blog devoted to his younger years.

So on a recent ride home from work I was thinking I should post one. Finally I thought of one that starts off dull but gets pretty funny 15+ years later.

It was the spring of 1988. Each year my high school, like most, had a prom. Each year, the day after the prom, people would meet up at a local supermarket parking lot and shoot down to Cape Cod for the day. Of course for many it was a drinking trip. I had to say that we were clever to meet in a different town each year so the cops would not bust up this massive underage gathering before a convoy of 50+ cars headed to the Cape.

For those of you not in Mass, we headed to Harwich. If you think of what Mass looks like you see the "arm" of the cape well Harwich is on the outer elbow facing out towards the Atlantic Ocean.

I had 2 older brothers. One had gone to the prom with his then girlfriend (she was only 2 years younger) and my oldest brother hooked me up with some beer. I had only started to be alchohol person very casually mind you in my senior year. So a few buddies chipped in and we got the champagne of the beers (at least at the time it was all the rage and new) a case of Corona. I think at the time we paid over $42.00 for it.

So this massive group meets at a local grocery and then 10-15 minutes after the meetup time the convoy starts. Somehow I am in the front in my awesome VW Scirocco. (man that thing ruled mine was brown tho). Within 2 miles of being on the highway I was last in line. Each car that passed was packed to the gills with people, coolers and beach stuff. I had directions so I didn’t mind.

I arrived at the beach safe and sound and my buds and I unloaded. There was parking lot for 50 cars or so, a short walk over the dunes then the beach. It was early June so it was not too hot but the water was still really cold.

We found our spot and just chilled out. We cracked a beer and just relaxed ready for a long day in the sun.

Fast forward 2-3 hrs. Mind you it MIGHT be noon time at this point.

The beach, like school, has it cliques. The jocks and their keg(s) are over there, the stoners, in their jeans, are near the dunes ripping bowl after bowl and the other people (like me a band geek) hanging not really fitting in anywhere. A few morons throw up and people laugh. The geek gets tossed in the ocean all the stuff you'd expect.

I take a walk to see what is going on and there, before me, is this massive hole with one of the football assholes passed out. He doesn't look good in this hole on many levels. Even at 17 I was thinking..umm this doesn't look too good. The sun was out. He was red as hell, passed out but had sand all over any part of his that was uncoverd.

I casually said "Hey is he okay?" The response.."Yeah we decided to bury him cuz the sand is cooler and he is sitting up so if he throws up its out/down not on him". Now that is science I tell you.

I head back to my buddies and about 20 seconds after I sit down one of the 2 forigen exchange students comes running over the dunes.



Now in the past we always got the police to visit these, they were kinda a quick once over on the beach, make sure you clean up kinda thing.

The exchange student is grabbing his stuff and headed the opposite direction on the beach. Mind you everyone was a minor and many, like me, had not graduated yet. He was going to, but as an exchange student he would be more screwed than us.

We do our best to make light of it all. "What do we want to do?" I say. "hold off for a minute lets see what goes down" says a buddy. Of course this was not the best of ideas.

Then it was like any cowboy movie you have seen. Over the dunes comes about 8 cops. They were walking slow, but with a heavy stride at the same time. My buddies and I are say about 100 yards off to their left.

Ohhh shit this is not good. We have about 16 beers left. Instinct takes over me.

I grab a Frisbee and I start digging. I am gonna bury this beer like a pirates treasure.

I have the hole about ½ way done. My ass is facing towards where the cops came from and all my buddies are sitting like a crecent moon facing me. I am frantic..then it happens.

A finger touches the space between my t-shirt and bathing suit.

"Are you 21?"

I stand..turn around..and there he is....

"Ummmm no" I respond.
"Take this beer up to the edge of the parking lot right now."
"Yes sir"
He moves on.
The cop gets about 20 feet away and I look at my "buddies" and just say "thanks for the heads up!"

I walk up to the parking lot and there has to be 30 cases of beer, at least one keg, a few bottles of ½ used Sun Country Wine Coolers,Purple Passion 2liter bottles etc. I drop my case off and spin around to head back to the beach.

Squealing tires from one of these bad boys

comes thru the parking lot. One of those cool custom vans from the 80’s with the pilot chairs, carpeted dashboards and 8 track tape players comes wheeling over to the pile of booze.

The side door flies open and 2 or 3 guys from the football team start loading up the van..its a line of beer to hand, beer to hand. In the span of about 20 seconds the van doors close and they peel off. I gotta get outta here I think..the cops are gonna see the fat red head coming back, and no beer.

I get back to my buddies who are cleaning up our area. Some folks were smart when this all went down..they moved their stuff 100 yards further away and the cops were none the wiser.

We start to clean up and Ponch comes back up to me.
"You..big red..I need you to clean up the beach some."
"Ummm okay" I cave, I am gonna kiss ass cuz I just don't want to be arrested.

Walking over the dunes in a "friends" arms is our passed out buddy from the hole. It looks like a war movie. He is about as limp as you could be...coverd in sand sort of moaning. (I guess he had his stomach pumped later..well done man)

I am cleaning up the beach, doing like I was told and then it happens…..

The cops find a tap..but no keg.

Officer 1: Where the hell is the keg?
Officer 2: Hmmmm (scans the beach..then turns to the water)..THERE IT IS.
About 150 yards off shore..bobbing somehow..was the keg.

Officer 1 turning to me: "Big swim?"
Me "Yes sir."
Officer 1 " me how good and go get that keg."

I peel off my t-shirt exposing my man boobs to the beach and splash in.

Its fucking cold Colder than cold. I keep it and they might just fine you, you will still graduate and your parents won't kill you.

I get the keg swim back and place it on the beach.

"Well done big red, now..since you did this I want you to get out of here and lets call it a day."
Thank you sir..and I shuffle to grab a towel but my buddies are gone.

Over the dunes I go and they are standing near my car.
"Where were you?" they ask
"I went swimming!" I say sarcastically
They look at me stunned...
"Ummm I kinda had to lets say".
"Was it cold???!"
"Yes was...Can we go now?"

I'd say by 1:20pm we were headed home. Any buzz I had was scared out of me or frozen from the Atlantic Ocean. I can laugh now, but man it was hardly worth it at the time.


At Thursday, June 29, 2006 10:14:00 AM , Blogger emetic sage said...

Gold, Big Red. Gold.

At Thursday, June 29, 2006 10:43:00 AM , Blogger Jocular Schlemiel said...

The best thing about getting caught for underage drinking is the fact that all alcohol confiscated by police is drank at a later point by the police. Buddy of mine had a fake, grabbed 2 racks of BL, got caught, and the cop says "These are going to taste great this weekend". Bastards.

At Thursday, June 29, 2006 10:43:00 AM , Blogger Road to the Isles said...

Well done Big Red!!

At Thursday, June 29, 2006 11:07:00 AM , Blogger Dim said...

Big Red. Great gum. Great storyteller.

At Thursday, June 29, 2006 11:37:00 AM , Blogger Debbie said...

Big Red. Classic.

At Thursday, June 29, 2006 2:19:00 PM , Blogger Jenny G said...

Damn, what a waste of Corona! Big red gives me a great mental image since you've never posted a pic.

At Thursday, June 29, 2006 3:07:00 PM , Blogger Annoyed said...

"Big Red"



I love the image of the van swooping in like a Black Hawk..."leave no beer behind"

At Thursday, June 29, 2006 3:30:00 PM , Blogger March to the Sea said...

Jenny..just a dude that is over 6 feet tall and a skant under 240 w/strawberry blonde hair...big red just sounds funnier.

At Thursday, June 29, 2006 4:02:00 PM , Blogger Rusty said...

Big Red! I love it!!

What a story. I'll bet you just about shit yourself when you saw them coming. I know I would.

Man boobs, eh? That adds an extra element to the mental picture...

At Friday, June 30, 2006 7:20:00 AM , Blogger The Guinness Tooth said...

Big Red, eh? Now I know what to look for at any future Sigur Ros concerts.

I think you need to change "March to the Sea" to "Big Red in the Sea."

At Friday, June 30, 2006 8:09:00 AM , Blogger B. said...

Sounds a lot like what we used to do, only not at the beach, instead, we went to the middle of nowhere. We never had a run-in with the cops though.

Write on, Big Red.

At Monday, July 03, 2006 8:42:00 PM , Blogger Sammy and Joe said...

That was great! Now tell the ALCO story!!!! That one gets better with age.... The best one liner ever... "Uuuuugh that made me feel worse!"
Now wipe your tears and get back to work!


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